He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
