Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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