I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize