hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
