wrigley field is MILF paradise
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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