i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
