Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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