you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
