Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
