We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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