Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
