I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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