I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
