Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
