The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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