his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
