you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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