Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
