haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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