i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
