my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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