Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
