Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
