my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?