We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
