At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
