What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
