You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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