Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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