Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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