Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My vagina just recognized that song.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
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I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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