Soap is not a condiment
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
