dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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