need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
