so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
