If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
