seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
