Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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