Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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