happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
