1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
