walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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