i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
