Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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