if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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