Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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