not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
