the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
