I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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