I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.