I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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