my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
