my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
