I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
