It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
