Umm I'm too high to move.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
